first of all i have to say you write beautifully and i am in awe. i started tearing up when you explained the situation with your aunt and what she’d said to you. to know that was possibly the catalyst for what came after is so heart wrenching. it hurts. so good, you're right. there's something rewarding about beauty, about being a woman of course-- looking like a woman, feeling like one. but there is something haunting and dreadful as well, you described it perfectly in this essay. i know everything in life is a paradox, what is some good without bad, some bad without good? but it still hurts just the same, it doesn't make the metaphorical cuts sting any less. it doesn't make the anxiety any better. and i'm so sorry you had to endure all this. anxiety is a nasty creature, i understand exactly what you mean when you say it literally made you lose your appetite.
so what to do? i think you said it in your opening line: "My relationship with my body is, of course, ever-evolving. I have spent years re-learning her, trying to fully accept her, but every time I think I’ve got her, she escapes my grasp." i think that's it, we just let it ebb and flow. i think the important part is that you allow yourself to feel each feeling that arises, look at it and study it, let it live for a little bit so it can be released. and i think eventually true acceptance will come, and as we get older we will be so over all the fucked up shit that has happened in our lives that we will cease to care as much (i hope lol).
anyway, thank you so much for mentioning my essay in this, i am so happy/sad to learn i am not alone in this feeling. the fact that it helped push you to post this, made you feel seen genuinely makes me so happy i could cry!! sending you so much love 💗
hi ashley, wow, thanks so much for leaving this comment and taking the time to read it. it was so scary to post and frankly i feel like it's one of my worst pieces - but here you are again giving me that little boost that i need. i don't know how the algorithm knew to being your piece to me, but i'm so glad it did. i really, truly needed it in that moment.
it was definitely hard to survive that anxiety but thankfully i am on the other side and doing my best to accept myself fully - we are all on that kind of journey, one way or another. getting older just forces you in that direction - just like you said! the best part about writing this is that definitely helped me me distance myself from that version of me and realize how much we've grown. i think maybe your piece made you feel that way too?
again, thanks for taking the time to read my piece. sending you so much love back!!! <333
of course!! this was definitely a great piece, i will have to read your other ones but i’m willing to bet they are all amazing! and yes i felt the same, writing about it helps distance from that version of yourself it’s so true <3
thank you for creating the space to talk about this. This is so beautifully written , so many of our experiences verbalized. This is the piece of work that sticks and you think about it, retracing the lines in grocery stores, in traffic and walking home. ( in the best way possible ofc)
Not an easy read, but a stunning and meaningful one (thank you so much). You have a purchase on minds and writing that is impossibly enchanting; one races through your words so hungrily and then backpedals to re-indulge. Thank you.
first of all i have to say you write beautifully and i am in awe. i started tearing up when you explained the situation with your aunt and what she’d said to you. to know that was possibly the catalyst for what came after is so heart wrenching. it hurts. so good, you're right. there's something rewarding about beauty, about being a woman of course-- looking like a woman, feeling like one. but there is something haunting and dreadful as well, you described it perfectly in this essay. i know everything in life is a paradox, what is some good without bad, some bad without good? but it still hurts just the same, it doesn't make the metaphorical cuts sting any less. it doesn't make the anxiety any better. and i'm so sorry you had to endure all this. anxiety is a nasty creature, i understand exactly what you mean when you say it literally made you lose your appetite.
so what to do? i think you said it in your opening line: "My relationship with my body is, of course, ever-evolving. I have spent years re-learning her, trying to fully accept her, but every time I think I’ve got her, she escapes my grasp." i think that's it, we just let it ebb and flow. i think the important part is that you allow yourself to feel each feeling that arises, look at it and study it, let it live for a little bit so it can be released. and i think eventually true acceptance will come, and as we get older we will be so over all the fucked up shit that has happened in our lives that we will cease to care as much (i hope lol).
anyway, thank you so much for mentioning my essay in this, i am so happy/sad to learn i am not alone in this feeling. the fact that it helped push you to post this, made you feel seen genuinely makes me so happy i could cry!! sending you so much love 💗
hi ashley, wow, thanks so much for leaving this comment and taking the time to read it. it was so scary to post and frankly i feel like it's one of my worst pieces - but here you are again giving me that little boost that i need. i don't know how the algorithm knew to being your piece to me, but i'm so glad it did. i really, truly needed it in that moment.
it was definitely hard to survive that anxiety but thankfully i am on the other side and doing my best to accept myself fully - we are all on that kind of journey, one way or another. getting older just forces you in that direction - just like you said! the best part about writing this is that definitely helped me me distance myself from that version of me and realize how much we've grown. i think maybe your piece made you feel that way too?
again, thanks for taking the time to read my piece. sending you so much love back!!! <333
of course!! this was definitely a great piece, i will have to read your other ones but i’m willing to bet they are all amazing! and yes i felt the same, writing about it helps distance from that version of yourself it’s so true <3
thank you for creating the space to talk about this. This is so beautifully written , so many of our experiences verbalized. This is the piece of work that sticks and you think about it, retracing the lines in grocery stores, in traffic and walking home. ( in the best way possible ofc)
thank you for your support and for your comment. <3 it means so much to me and i'm so glad you found something meaningful in my words
Not an easy read, but a stunning and meaningful one (thank you so much). You have a purchase on minds and writing that is impossibly enchanting; one races through your words so hungrily and then backpedals to re-indulge. Thank you.
Thank you, Alice, for your lovely comment. It means so much to me, truly <3
🤍🤍🤍
beautiful beautiful words Amal💕 This had me thinking a lot; no one is ever truly satisfied with their looks it seems. Keep writing!
Thank you Sarah!