i count my good deeds every night, then i count yours.

on being worth the inconvenience, the meaning of love, and... kissing, i guess.

Dear whomever,

Recently, I had a conversation with someone on how differently we define things. It was interesting; I thought, as a writer, I knew every definition of the words in my vocabulary and I used them correctly. This was quite wrong, and I should’ve known, as a Literature graduate, how many different ways something can be interpreted. Life exists, somewhat, as a tunnel, and we’re all limited to thinking that what we see is right. And then, you realize, with a start, one day, that another person’s tunnel is facing a completely different direction.

That conversation - about vocabulary, and definitions, and meanings, brought me back to this piece, which I started a few weeks ago. It just made me think: What is love, then?

It’s always this question - isn’t it? We always come back to this.

Am I just writing the same thing over and over?

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My first boyfriend used to get angry with me when I was upset. And, as a mostly-teenager, I was upset often, about the same things - it was cyclical. This is what frustrated him most. That I wasn’t snapping out of it.

During the period I was with him, it was always about the lack of reciprocity and understanding. I struggled, a lot, in high school, to retain friends. It was my biggest issue.

The question I would always ask my then-boyfriend was Why don’t they see how much I did for them? How much I thought of them? Why can’t they understand?

And his answer was often, Why are you doing things if you’re just expecting something back? If you’re so kind, then be kind with no expectations. If you’re so loving, then love without expectations.

This idea haunts me. In fact, I probably wrote about this (his) perspective before, on Substack. My first relationship was a huge chunk of my life, and I find that so many of my core beliefs stem directly from it.

Kindness. I mean, what is it? I would describe myself as kind, for the most part, but see, I do keep a tally, and I wonder if that’s wrong. Not like a crazy person, I don’t keep a list under my pillow. But I make a lot of mental notes: what people have done for me, how I balanced them with kind actions towards them.

I tend to do a lot of “acts of service”, for my friends - I like to drive them home, or at least make sure they have a safe ride home. I like to buy them food, when they’re hungry, or cook a meal at the apartment and leave it out for them. I like setting the bed for them, when they stay over. I like to plan gatherings, or dinners, or parties, just for the joy of seeing everyone enjoy themselves. I send flowers for the special occasions, if I can’t show up. Etc.

And sometimes - occasionally - I’ll ask for a favor, or perhaps I’ll make a mistake, and the favor gets a no and the mistake ends in a long argument (and in severe cases, the end of a relationship), and I can’t help but wonder why I wasn’t given a “pass” for all the good I’d done, or at least a discussion that had more empathy than anger? People always want to fight, or end things, but I usually just want to understand. I get I pissed you off, I’d think, But what about all the times I didn’t?

Shouldn’t they balance out?

Is this a bad way to think? To see life?

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What is a successful relationship, anyway?

My longest lasting friendship is one where we tend to give each other “passes'“ all the time. It was built on late replies and picking up where we left off no matter how much time has passed. In almost a decade, there just hasn’t been any reason to be upset with her, because I never doubted that the love is there to stay.

It got me thinking that it really isn’t about the love languages or about the time spent together or about the whatever it is. If there is ever an issue between people, no matter what, the basis is always, always, always, simply, "I feel like you don’t care.”

If someone makes plans and doesn’t follow through, or doesn’t respond to a message, I do the math in my head and decide when it’s meant to happen, it will. The only times, I’ve realized, that I’ve felt insecure or panicked or made a big deal about it is when I doubted they cared about me.

The love languages, the astrology, the psychoanalyses, the Myers Brig personality tests… we’ve created this all just to try to control the narrative - they all come from our natural, animal need to receive love.

The truth is we can hurt people by simply going about life, deep in our own beliefs, just doing what we do and are used to. We can make people we love feel like we don’t love them just by going about our day to day.

I believe, the way to balance this, the way to ensure that the people we love know they are loved is by studying and watching and seeing the relationship as a sort of ping-pong game. I know my friend doesn’t mind a late reply because she often takes a bit to get to a text - so she’d understand if I did, too. I know because I care enough to study her.

So, the solution, I suppose, is that if your friend gives you a ride… you always offer one back. If you can’t offer a ride you offer something else. If your friend gets the check, you get the next one. When the flow is right, and when the relationship is equal… there is no doubting. If my friend’s way of showing she cares is sending texts, then I gotta pick up the texting, or explain why I suck at it, or try, and let them know I’m trying. At least.

I’m trying is a very strong combination of words. “I feel like you don’t care,” someone says to their lover. And their lover could reply, “I’m really trying to show you I love you", and I think that would be a good, sincere reply.

People have tried, over and over again, to convince me this is the incorrect way to go about life. That good deeds should go unspoken, or forgotten. That if I stopped tallying, stopped expecting… then I would suffer less. If I stopped analyzing the hows… I’d be better off.

But what other way is there? I should be attentive: I should notice what others do for me, and try to match that - and others should, too. Shouldn’t they?

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“Reciprocity - it all comes down to that. As with lovers:
When it’s right you can’t say
Who is kissing whom.”

- Gregory Orr, Concerning the Book that is the Body of the Beloved

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When it’s right, you can’t say who is kissing whom. I think about this quote all the time.

With my best friend, sometimes I don’t know when we started a certain conversation. Most of the time the conversation just dies or one of us gets busy, and we get back to it weeks or even months later. Honestly, I think I met her, and the conversation never stopped since that day. When I try to think of a successful relationship in my life, I think of her and I. And I try to use it as a guide for all my other relationships.

It hasn’t worked so far. I guess, in many ways, our communication styles are very similar - or, maybe, we established a way of interacting and both silently accepted it, and continued on and on with our unspoken rulebook of friendship.

But, still, there are always examples of perfect reciprocity. And you know what those examples have? Attentiveness. Care. Empathy.

When it’s right, you can’t say who is kissing whom. In Japan, we were with my brothers’ best friend, and they alternated between picking up checks. At the arcade, when I wanted to try the claw machine just one more time, he would pool a bunch of coins into my hands. He would say, when I tried to argue against it, “Don’t worry about it - we’re family. This is incredibly kind, of course, but I had to ask my brother if we contributed equally to the trip. He said, Approximately, but no one’s really keeping count. We’re eyeballing it and doing our best and have been since college.

When it’s right, you can’t say who is kissing whom. On Eid (Muslim holiday), it’s a tradition to give money to kids, mostly. In my extended family, I’d say there are three families that have always been on the… poorer side - mine included. What happens, I realized as I got older, is that the same amount of money is tossed around. For example, my aunt gives me a 20, then my mom gives my three cousins 5, 5, and 10, respectively, based on age. Then, my aunt gives 10 and 10 to my other aunts two kids, so technically, no one lost any money, but all the kids are happy and feel included.

When it’s right, you can’t say who is kissing whom. When it’s love, there’s certainly a tally, but it’s blurred, because there’s trust. I know she will respond to me when she can. I know my sisters will make sure I don’t go broke on holidays. I know my best friend will pick up the check when he’s able. I know if I had a flat tire, I could call my friend and they will answer. I know if someone I loved kind of digitally disappeared, they probably need some time, and will get back to me when they can. I know, I know, I know. This time I got it, because I know. This time I’ll step in, because I know. The lines are blurred, we’re kissing - who cares who’s kissing who? I love you, and today, I’ll put in some more effort, because I know that next week, you will.

Et cetera.

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It won’t work, though, if you don’t believe you’re worth the inconvenience…

It’s been a while, but to circle back to my exes beliefs about doing good and throwing it into the sea, there was a time where I did a lot for people, and complained about it like I explained above, but if they started actually returning the favor… it would make me feel uncomfortable, and I would self-sabotage or insist I didn’t want it, and that would, also, inevitably, ruin the relationship, because whether you like it or not, the basis of all relationships is reciprocity. It is a vital ingredient for success. And reciprocity includes getting some for yourself.

If you identify as a “giver”, you may know the feeling of rejecting being given to. And, if you’re a giver, you know it gets exhausting - because really what it is, is overextension. The whole do good and throw it into the sea is a nice idea, but eventually, you’re at the sea, and all your friends are swimming and having fun because you were the one who helped them put their sunscreen on, but you didn’t ask anyone to do it back, because subconsciously, you felt like you don’t deserve it. Or you think you should be able to help yourself, but Fuck, you can’t reach your back. People are meant to help you, too, of course. But often - people need the nudge.

I ask for help a lot, nowadays. I ask my friend to install my AC and pay for his dinner. He fixes my car one day, I let him sleep on my couch another. Reciprocity, right? Eventually you reach a soft spot where no one is counting but both know they can count on one another.

I am not the epitome of mental health, obviously. But I sometimes see it in other people, the weird thing they do, when I try to help them. I dated someone like that. I was friends with plenty, too, and it actually builds resentment both ways - if you’re helping someone but they refuse it, and they just keep helping you and never let you return the favor, things get sour. They get exhausted, even if they’d hate to admit it, you get overwhelmed, and… well, things fizzle.

If you keep putting aside the things your friends do that annoy you, then your friend blows up on you over a small thing you did… the relationship is immediately imbalanced. Either you start vocalizing your hurt, or you tell your friend to never vocalize hers. Either way, it’s hard to re-calibrate the situation.

So, though it takes a lot of work, guts, and self-awareness, you have to accept love being reciprocal. And it takes time to do so, trust me. It’s another one of those “sit in the feeling”, scenarios. Sit in it until it passes. Let someone love you, and sit in it, despite the discomfort.

Can’t love if you’re not being loved. Can’t be loved, if you’re not loving.

Right?

With love, as always,
Amal