Where to begin? The 'That's so Amal' part was breathtaking. Yet all of this was real, it felt so warmly human through the screen. I've never known italics so alive before. This was a spectacular piece; thank you.
I love your knack for articulating so many threads from your cigarette-smoking starting point, so many narratives effortlessly and naturally intertwined, each its own thing but also somehow all interconnected. beautiful!
what a beautiful piece! i love your overarching narrative and how it melded so perfectly with the little anecdotes and lessons in between. i adore your voice and writing style, i felt like i was walking inside your heart. you put into words the feelings i have never been able to describe, and for that i am so grateful that i was able to find your work. thank you for the wonderful read. :>>
thank you for reading and leaving me this comment, if there's anything i ever want to achieve, it is for the reader to feel like they're walking through my heart. wow. thank you. sending you so much love.
"I would never be an addict just to be. I would never fall into a hole if it wasn’t my own doing. It would never be accidental. All I do is purposeful, even the bad. "
This quote just got you a new subscriber Amal like girl I dont even know where to begin. I stumbled upon your essay out of the blue and I have to say how glad I am, because this is some of the most personal and deeply touching writing I have had the chance to encounter in a long time.
With the quote I highlighted, you have been able to encapsulate my experience and feelings regarding substances better than I could have ever done. Let me give you an example, in college I used to smoke weed (among other things) every one in a while. My flatmate and I used to make a night out of it, we would watch Twilight or reality tv, smoke or make some brownies and just enjoy.
But we knew that we could not do this every week or every month. I knew it. Bc I know myself. I know that I loved the feeling weed gives you where you just dont think. Your mind goes quiet. Everything is funny, nothing is stressful.
So when my senior year came and the stress became fucking insane: interships, classes, exams, projects, money and on and on, I started to smoke a lot. I knew I was going to get hooked. I did not care. And same thing with cigarretess btw. I wanted to. I wanted the respite and I wanted the companionship and at that time I wanted a problem that was not just a feeling of stress and dread. I wanted something tangible in my hands, some proof that it was all just too much.
However, I was extremely lucky and I was able to pass and graduate before it all became too much of a habit. All of this to say, that whatever feeling of pain or anxiety you are experiencing, whatever situation you are facing, it will pass. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But it will.
Silvia, thank you for reading and for subscribing! I am so deeply grateful to have you here, and especially grateful for your words. It makes me feel less alone to know that many people have resonated with my words.
You're experience sounds so very similar to many of my own. As someone that only starting experiencing "substances" after I turned 21, I've felt like I lost out on that experience everyone seems to love so much - like you said, that crave for companionship and respite it so deeply rooted, something so many of us crave. I honestly wish I could have that relief that so many seem to get out of smoking, but I don't think I do.
The most horrible and beautiful thing (simultaneously) is that things pass. Time moves, and it heals. Thank you for your words which I truly believe. It will pass.
How'd you end up becoming this writer in Jordan who smokes (or maybe doesn't, it's somewhat unclear to me), and writes these windingly long but smooth reflections, these almost rants uttered under the breath, into the night?
This was an intriguing read, truly.
I might write something on smoking too. My grandad started smoking since he was 10. I held a bidi in my hands for a photoshoot with him when I was 2. I find my grampa so terribly cool when he smokes, and the smell of the smokes disgusts me deeply when he comes back in too soon after the fifth or eighth or maybe eleventh bidi of the day.
There's a Palestinian man I respect and love who smoked. Still does I'm sure. If I write about smoking, I might title the piece "If I was a smoker I'd be Palestinian."
Your comment at first made me anxious, was wondering if this would be my first constructive/negative comment. Haha. Thank you so much, I don't know how I got here, but glad I did. Ugh, when you described the words as smooth - that's a big goal of mine! Yay!
Eh, I smoke and don't, depending on the situation and how my stress levels are. When I wrote this piece, it was a mentally hard week or two, and I was smoking almost daily then. Thankfully now it's less and I do want to take care not to overuse this habit. It's still incredibly bad for you.
My grandad would smoke too, your comment gave me an image of him and it was nice to go back in time! I see your point, it does look pretty cool. You should definitely write that piece. And I absolutely love the title - get to drafting, please!
Thanks so much, as always, for reading and leaving me your perspective. I appreciate you so much 💖
this will linger with me for a long time. I'll be doing something mundane when I'll think of your words and have to sit down. You write so well I'm in awe
This was truly a compelling read. As someone who has never had a complex relationship with cigarettes and smoking, I found this very mind opening to the greys of smoking and the intricacies of performance and self-identity. Your defiance against the box that you’ve been given (that’s so amal) through the self-destructive and cynical choice to smoke is really fascinating to me. I think this was such a valuable piece and the part where you talked about the many ways to be called stupid really resonated with me. We are often so quick to berate and judge something that inversely mirrors us. I think the subject of smoking can be so polarising and for some taint the way they view another person. Oh they smoke… *disapproving look* I’ve noticed an emergence in the romanticisation of smoking lately. People turning to cigarettes over vapes because, quite honestly this will be a simplification, it’s more aesthetic? Anyway, we could all harp on for days about the social complexities of smoking but I think what I really want to say is: I loved reading your piece and you are a beautiful writer.
Ah I really loved this perspective! It's so interesting to see how cultures differ, because here nonsmokers are actually the ones that are often given disapproving looks. It's just such a normal, normal part of our culture. If not cigarettes, then Shisha. Smoking is so engrained that I often felt like an outsider not smoking.
I also agree about the cigarette as an aesthetic, especially with Lana Del Rey and 50s fashion becoming more in style. We live in such an interesting digital age and everything is about how we are seen. A lot of what people do is to fit in. It's interesting to think about it that way
Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading! I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
You write soooo beautifully!!! I have always had an odd relationship with smoking and it felt SO surreal reading your thoughts. I resonated with it so much! I've recently been thinking a lot about how easily people can/seem to get closer to one another just because they share a love for smoking. Sometimes I miss out on really interesting conversations because I am not a smoker. And every time i hear about it, I can't help but feel a little betrayed. There's no reason, I know. But that's just how it is. And these are cool people, and really nice ones, but smoking remains a curtain I can't get past.
I feel very similar, and even as I slowly begin to pick up cigarettes more often I still feel that separation. My brother would always say to me that the best way to make friends is to have a lighter or cigarette pack with you at all times. It's such a bonding activity, and I don't think people realize that.
I was going to title this "just invite your non smoker friends with you on your smoke break" or something similar, I find when people smoke they intentionally leave out nonsmokers, and I feel like it's kind of internalized judgement.
As always, so beautifully written! But I hate that you're smoking. If I ever say anyone is "so Amal," it will only be as the highest compliment. I wonder how many of your friends would say that? Most, I would guess.
Thank you so much! I've been slowing down my cigarette intake this week, hoping not to make it a daily habit. But, yes, it's said often, and probably as a form of compliment, but we are all weird about our identities and how we see things
As usual, beautiful piece. It's always so surprising how similar we are Amal, I mean that in the most respectful and exaggerated way. I always feel so SEEN and ljke HOW DID SHE WRITE WHAT I THINK BUT THOUGHT ONLY I THINK??? My dads been a smoker his entire life, I've seen it since I was a baby. I've had an odd fascination with cigarettes aswell. I find them...almost a personality trait? I never judge people for it, more so I see it as a vulnerable act and thing to admit. Because I'm a girl, an underage one. Here in Pakistan, you don't smoke around unmarried young girls. You don't exactly admit it either. So when someone does flick out a cigarette, rather than being disgusted I'm literally HAPPY. I unintentionally start noticing how they smoke, is they do the sss thing to inhale or are just pros. What type of cigarettes do they smoke? (My dad West Blue and my moms bsf Golden Leaf the last I knew). I've always been obsessed with knowing people, like small things about them. But cigarettes specifically is something I...like...idk Im like I said oddly fascinated. Your writing and thoughts are so so relatable to me, I don't smoke but I've vaped, and not properly. The comments were annoying to me too. Because no I don't want to do it properly. I don't want to because it doesn't feel good unless I'm an addict. I'm vaping because you all are and that's it. I'm vaping as a HANGOUT not as a necessity. Then the whole "that's so not Amal", FUCKUNG REAL. I remember the time I hit a vape during a video call and my friends were like what the fuck you don't seem like the type. Or when my friend read a political piece of mine and said he didn't know I kept up w all that. Both of them were calling me stupid. "I didn't expect you to vape, Mahi. It's so not you. You don't hang out w boys aline so I just assumed you were this perfect good girl who'd be repulsed by the thought of a vape" "I didn't know you actually had political opinions. Thought you were an air head who just cared about Bridgerton" like its so shitty that just because I have an outgoing personality and am not very serious around my friends all the time I'm regarded as some bimbo dumbass who has no knowledge of the world. Amazing piece as per usual I've yet again yapped in your comment section hope you don't mind queen bit GENUINELY you write so so well and were literally the same person idc this CANNOT BE NORMAL YOU SOMEHOW WRITE ABOUT ME EVERYTIME ACTUALLY ACTUALLY!!!! Loved this ♡
AAAAAA! Mahi I always set aside your comments because I’m consistently excited to hear your thoughts and perspectives. Thank you for sharing them, I always look forward to them!
I found it so interesting that in Pakistan people don't smoke in front of married girls, I’ve never heard of it but absolutely love being able to look into your culture through you. Here, smoking is as common as… drinking coffee. We barely have designated smoking areas - it’s done almost wherever.
For me, I’ve always stood out more as a nonsmoker because of how common it is and it seems to have solidified what people think I am - I think it leads to some infantilization, which is what gets me going the most. Like you, people always gasp and stuff when I want a hit of something… it’s a bit funny, but still.
We mirror each other in many ways. I see in you a lot of myself when I was younger (even in our brief interactions), and I think a lot of it is due to growing up in such similar cultures! I love seeing the differences as well as the huge similarities.
Omg Amal tysm it's such an honour to know my comments are exciting for you. And unmarried girls, not married. People smoke infromt of married girls pretty easily (like husbands friends wouldn't mind smoking infront of the wife). Smoking infront of ones daughter is okay at some extents but dad's friends usually don't smoke infront of me. I've no idea why but it's just how it is here. And ofc I see so much of me in your posts and I'm glad you can see a bit of yourself in me too. Love LOVE your writing and this piece (Mashallah), tysm for posting it ♡
That is so interesting, I wonder if maybe smoking is seen as a sign of maturity or something that "takes away" your purity as an unmarried woman? I'd love to research this more!
I'm trying to think of a similar societal agreement in Jordan(and I'm sure there are many that I am just so accustomed to) but none come to mind that are specific like this point. Thank you for sharing it, you've sparked something in me that's driven to do some research.
That's what I think too!! It's actually QUITE common for married women to smoke with their husbands during a get together but seen as bad character (even though it isn't) if an unmarried woman is seen smoking. Ofc this isn't everyone's thinking but I've noticed this in the general society. And ofc, anytime Amal I'm glad I could spark some more inspiration in you! ♡
this was truly so amazing, i’m in awe at the way you write. i resonated with everything and don’t really know what to say except congratulations and thank you for sharing <3333
Where to begin? The 'That's so Amal' part was breathtaking. Yet all of this was real, it felt so warmly human through the screen. I've never known italics so alive before. This was a spectacular piece; thank you.
Alice, I have so much love for you. Thank you <3
I love your knack for articulating so many threads from your cigarette-smoking starting point, so many narratives effortlessly and naturally intertwined, each its own thing but also somehow all interconnected. beautiful!
Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate your words. <3
what a beautiful piece! i love your overarching narrative and how it melded so perfectly with the little anecdotes and lessons in between. i adore your voice and writing style, i felt like i was walking inside your heart. you put into words the feelings i have never been able to describe, and for that i am so grateful that i was able to find your work. thank you for the wonderful read. :>>
thank you for reading and leaving me this comment, if there's anything i ever want to achieve, it is for the reader to feel like they're walking through my heart. wow. thank you. sending you so much love.
"I would never be an addict just to be. I would never fall into a hole if it wasn’t my own doing. It would never be accidental. All I do is purposeful, even the bad. "
This quote just got you a new subscriber Amal like girl I dont even know where to begin. I stumbled upon your essay out of the blue and I have to say how glad I am, because this is some of the most personal and deeply touching writing I have had the chance to encounter in a long time.
With the quote I highlighted, you have been able to encapsulate my experience and feelings regarding substances better than I could have ever done. Let me give you an example, in college I used to smoke weed (among other things) every one in a while. My flatmate and I used to make a night out of it, we would watch Twilight or reality tv, smoke or make some brownies and just enjoy.
But we knew that we could not do this every week or every month. I knew it. Bc I know myself. I know that I loved the feeling weed gives you where you just dont think. Your mind goes quiet. Everything is funny, nothing is stressful.
So when my senior year came and the stress became fucking insane: interships, classes, exams, projects, money and on and on, I started to smoke a lot. I knew I was going to get hooked. I did not care. And same thing with cigarretess btw. I wanted to. I wanted the respite and I wanted the companionship and at that time I wanted a problem that was not just a feeling of stress and dread. I wanted something tangible in my hands, some proof that it was all just too much.
However, I was extremely lucky and I was able to pass and graduate before it all became too much of a habit. All of this to say, that whatever feeling of pain or anxiety you are experiencing, whatever situation you are facing, it will pass. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But it will.
Silvia, thank you for reading and for subscribing! I am so deeply grateful to have you here, and especially grateful for your words. It makes me feel less alone to know that many people have resonated with my words.
You're experience sounds so very similar to many of my own. As someone that only starting experiencing "substances" after I turned 21, I've felt like I lost out on that experience everyone seems to love so much - like you said, that crave for companionship and respite it so deeply rooted, something so many of us crave. I honestly wish I could have that relief that so many seem to get out of smoking, but I don't think I do.
The most horrible and beautiful thing (simultaneously) is that things pass. Time moves, and it heals. Thank you for your words which I truly believe. It will pass.
Much love to you <3
Reading this was suuuch a drag.
Ahem, sorry, I'll see myself out.
What brought you here?
How'd you end up becoming this writer in Jordan who smokes (or maybe doesn't, it's somewhat unclear to me), and writes these windingly long but smooth reflections, these almost rants uttered under the breath, into the night?
This was an intriguing read, truly.
I might write something on smoking too. My grandad started smoking since he was 10. I held a bidi in my hands for a photoshoot with him when I was 2. I find my grampa so terribly cool when he smokes, and the smell of the smokes disgusts me deeply when he comes back in too soon after the fifth or eighth or maybe eleventh bidi of the day.
There's a Palestinian man I respect and love who smoked. Still does I'm sure. If I write about smoking, I might title the piece "If I was a smoker I'd be Palestinian."
Your comment at first made me anxious, was wondering if this would be my first constructive/negative comment. Haha. Thank you so much, I don't know how I got here, but glad I did. Ugh, when you described the words as smooth - that's a big goal of mine! Yay!
Eh, I smoke and don't, depending on the situation and how my stress levels are. When I wrote this piece, it was a mentally hard week or two, and I was smoking almost daily then. Thankfully now it's less and I do want to take care not to overuse this habit. It's still incredibly bad for you.
My grandad would smoke too, your comment gave me an image of him and it was nice to go back in time! I see your point, it does look pretty cool. You should definitely write that piece. And I absolutely love the title - get to drafting, please!
Thanks so much, as always, for reading and leaving me your perspective. I appreciate you so much 💖
Oh, wait, no negative comments? Lemme fix that.
BOOOO! SMOKING KILLS DANDELIONS, PROBABLY.
HAHAHAHA perfect🙌🏻
I read you with so much interest because every time you write something that make me say oh i never thought about it that way!
That's so nice to hear! I am so glad you enjoy and actually I guess it's a goal of mine to write things that make people think.
Thank you for commenting and reading 💖
this will linger with me for a long time. I'll be doing something mundane when I'll think of your words and have to sit down. You write so well I'm in awe
Wow, Ira, that is so kind and I'm blushing so hard at your words :') thank you so much!
This was truly a compelling read. As someone who has never had a complex relationship with cigarettes and smoking, I found this very mind opening to the greys of smoking and the intricacies of performance and self-identity. Your defiance against the box that you’ve been given (that’s so amal) through the self-destructive and cynical choice to smoke is really fascinating to me. I think this was such a valuable piece and the part where you talked about the many ways to be called stupid really resonated with me. We are often so quick to berate and judge something that inversely mirrors us. I think the subject of smoking can be so polarising and for some taint the way they view another person. Oh they smoke… *disapproving look* I’ve noticed an emergence in the romanticisation of smoking lately. People turning to cigarettes over vapes because, quite honestly this will be a simplification, it’s more aesthetic? Anyway, we could all harp on for days about the social complexities of smoking but I think what I really want to say is: I loved reading your piece and you are a beautiful writer.
Ah I really loved this perspective! It's so interesting to see how cultures differ, because here nonsmokers are actually the ones that are often given disapproving looks. It's just such a normal, normal part of our culture. If not cigarettes, then Shisha. Smoking is so engrained that I often felt like an outsider not smoking.
I also agree about the cigarette as an aesthetic, especially with Lana Del Rey and 50s fashion becoming more in style. We live in such an interesting digital age and everything is about how we are seen. A lot of what people do is to fit in. It's interesting to think about it that way
Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading! I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
You write soooo beautifully!!! I have always had an odd relationship with smoking and it felt SO surreal reading your thoughts. I resonated with it so much! I've recently been thinking a lot about how easily people can/seem to get closer to one another just because they share a love for smoking. Sometimes I miss out on really interesting conversations because I am not a smoker. And every time i hear about it, I can't help but feel a little betrayed. There's no reason, I know. But that's just how it is. And these are cool people, and really nice ones, but smoking remains a curtain I can't get past.
I feel very similar, and even as I slowly begin to pick up cigarettes more often I still feel that separation. My brother would always say to me that the best way to make friends is to have a lighter or cigarette pack with you at all times. It's such a bonding activity, and I don't think people realize that.
I was going to title this "just invite your non smoker friends with you on your smoke break" or something similar, I find when people smoke they intentionally leave out nonsmokers, and I feel like it's kind of internalized judgement.
Thank you so much for reading 💖
ahh so good! I'm just finishing up a series of a similar topic and this was so insightful :)
Thank you so much :) A series of boons or posts on Substack?
Oh on Substack! :)
Excited to read!
As always, so beautifully written! But I hate that you're smoking. If I ever say anyone is "so Amal," it will only be as the highest compliment. I wonder how many of your friends would say that? Most, I would guess.
Thank you so much! I've been slowing down my cigarette intake this week, hoping not to make it a daily habit. But, yes, it's said often, and probably as a form of compliment, but we are all weird about our identities and how we see things
This is so well written i actually feel this on such a deep level
Thank you so so much, I'm so glad you resonated🥺
Obsessed with this piece. And also I too would order that french toast it sounds incredible
Best decision I need to go back for some~
Thank you for reading!
Such beautiful writing as always♥️♥️
Thank you so much💖
As usual, beautiful piece. It's always so surprising how similar we are Amal, I mean that in the most respectful and exaggerated way. I always feel so SEEN and ljke HOW DID SHE WRITE WHAT I THINK BUT THOUGHT ONLY I THINK??? My dads been a smoker his entire life, I've seen it since I was a baby. I've had an odd fascination with cigarettes aswell. I find them...almost a personality trait? I never judge people for it, more so I see it as a vulnerable act and thing to admit. Because I'm a girl, an underage one. Here in Pakistan, you don't smoke around unmarried young girls. You don't exactly admit it either. So when someone does flick out a cigarette, rather than being disgusted I'm literally HAPPY. I unintentionally start noticing how they smoke, is they do the sss thing to inhale or are just pros. What type of cigarettes do they smoke? (My dad West Blue and my moms bsf Golden Leaf the last I knew). I've always been obsessed with knowing people, like small things about them. But cigarettes specifically is something I...like...idk Im like I said oddly fascinated. Your writing and thoughts are so so relatable to me, I don't smoke but I've vaped, and not properly. The comments were annoying to me too. Because no I don't want to do it properly. I don't want to because it doesn't feel good unless I'm an addict. I'm vaping because you all are and that's it. I'm vaping as a HANGOUT not as a necessity. Then the whole "that's so not Amal", FUCKUNG REAL. I remember the time I hit a vape during a video call and my friends were like what the fuck you don't seem like the type. Or when my friend read a political piece of mine and said he didn't know I kept up w all that. Both of them were calling me stupid. "I didn't expect you to vape, Mahi. It's so not you. You don't hang out w boys aline so I just assumed you were this perfect good girl who'd be repulsed by the thought of a vape" "I didn't know you actually had political opinions. Thought you were an air head who just cared about Bridgerton" like its so shitty that just because I have an outgoing personality and am not very serious around my friends all the time I'm regarded as some bimbo dumbass who has no knowledge of the world. Amazing piece as per usual I've yet again yapped in your comment section hope you don't mind queen bit GENUINELY you write so so well and were literally the same person idc this CANNOT BE NORMAL YOU SOMEHOW WRITE ABOUT ME EVERYTIME ACTUALLY ACTUALLY!!!! Loved this ♡
AAAAAA! Mahi I always set aside your comments because I’m consistently excited to hear your thoughts and perspectives. Thank you for sharing them, I always look forward to them!
I found it so interesting that in Pakistan people don't smoke in front of married girls, I’ve never heard of it but absolutely love being able to look into your culture through you. Here, smoking is as common as… drinking coffee. We barely have designated smoking areas - it’s done almost wherever.
For me, I’ve always stood out more as a nonsmoker because of how common it is and it seems to have solidified what people think I am - I think it leads to some infantilization, which is what gets me going the most. Like you, people always gasp and stuff when I want a hit of something… it’s a bit funny, but still.
We mirror each other in many ways. I see in you a lot of myself when I was younger (even in our brief interactions), and I think a lot of it is due to growing up in such similar cultures! I love seeing the differences as well as the huge similarities.
Sending you so much love, always~
Omg Amal tysm it's such an honour to know my comments are exciting for you. And unmarried girls, not married. People smoke infromt of married girls pretty easily (like husbands friends wouldn't mind smoking infront of the wife). Smoking infront of ones daughter is okay at some extents but dad's friends usually don't smoke infront of me. I've no idea why but it's just how it is here. And ofc I see so much of me in your posts and I'm glad you can see a bit of yourself in me too. Love LOVE your writing and this piece (Mashallah), tysm for posting it ♡
That is so interesting, I wonder if maybe smoking is seen as a sign of maturity or something that "takes away" your purity as an unmarried woman? I'd love to research this more!
I'm trying to think of a similar societal agreement in Jordan(and I'm sure there are many that I am just so accustomed to) but none come to mind that are specific like this point. Thank you for sharing it, you've sparked something in me that's driven to do some research.
That's what I think too!! It's actually QUITE common for married women to smoke with their husbands during a get together but seen as bad character (even though it isn't) if an unmarried woman is seen smoking. Ofc this isn't everyone's thinking but I've noticed this in the general society. And ofc, anytime Amal I'm glad I could spark some more inspiration in you! ♡
this was truly so amazing, i’m in awe at the way you write. i resonated with everything and don’t really know what to say except congratulations and thank you for sharing <3333
Wow thank you so much for such a lovely comment, I really appreciate it! Sending you love