Wonderful writing as always. Can I make a suggestion or two? I think your mom is still not doing you any favors in this area. There's a book called "How to Talk so Kids Listen, and How to Listen so Kids talk" The author there points out that a lot of times people respond to other people's anxiety or distress more by trying to make it go away for their own comfort than by acknowledging and validating the feelings of the other person. The message that comes through, though, is still that your pain should be ignored. Your feelings are valid and valuable indications of what's going on in your life now as they always were.
You are talented and important, and you're going through some of the toughest times you'll ever go through personally at one of the toughest times in history to do it. I hope you won't blame yourself for that. At 24 it can seem like you're so old you should have already done the things you thought you should, that you're behind and losing ground, that you can't take time to rest and recover. That's all an illusion, though. You have one moment - the present - but you will have many, many years in front of you, so you can take the time you need, and you can forgive yourself, if you will, for needing that time. You don't always have to be strong, but you do need to endure. And lots of people are on your side.
Please pardon me if I've seemed to presume; it's just that you're one of my favorite writers on here, and I want the best for you.
Hi, Jack! I'm currently parked waiting to see my therapist, and your comment brought me to tears. It was not presumptuous, after all, I bare my heart out on here, so as my reader, you know me better than anyone. Thank you for your words. There is time for so much life, I have to remind myself, and enduring will never be for naught.
I can't believe someone thinks I'm their "favorite writer", truly this Substack and you and others have kept a light inside of me shining. You've reminded me why I write and how much I love to do it. Thank you for reading and for being here. I appreciate you so much. And will definitely be picking up that book! I've had Children of Emotionally Immature Parents on my TBR for a while, too, have you read that one?
I haven't read it, but it's on my TBR list, too. I've read some books on adult children of alcoholics which have also been eye-opening. One of the amazing things about reading books like that is that things I thought were so reflective of my own personal shortcomings, were so on me (my "skill issues," my son would say!) are actually typical challenges of people in similar situations, and there are some really good ideas out there about how to make it better. Thanks for your response. You're definitely one of my faves.
girl you're so strong and do you know that your name "Amal" means hope in Arabic. I hope you find a way out of this. Dealing with depression as a young person is a tough journey but I'm just so proud of you for doing your best. Also, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Keep writing. You got this habibi<3.
Hi Maryam! So funny that you caught that, I always say my name is the reason I must remain hopeful: it is a sign, a pre-decided fate. Thank you for your kind words and for reading. All the best to you <3
Such a well written piece, Masha'Allah! I am really sorry that your feelings have always been invalidated with growing up. It's like that with depression unfortunately. You put it so well "I must always have proof of my illness, of my worries, of my setbacks". I don't understand why people can't just accept that some people might be struggling silent battles.
Thank you so much, Leena! I agree, but as a human myself who didn't realize some people I loved were struggling, I can sometimes understand. But it's always best to move with the assumption that everyone is suffering even in the tiniest of ways. What's small to us can be bigger to others, of course. And vice versa.
amazing writing! the beginning of the piece in which you spoke about performance really took the thoughts out of my head, i'd been struggling for a way to talk about that topic for a while and you did so perfectly. and the rest of the post was just as good! i was wondering, is your poetry collection available anywhere? i'd love to read it - only if you're comfortable sharing it ofc! and i really hope things begin to get better for you, you're amazing!!
hi liam! thank you so much for reading and leaving me this comment. i appreciate your words so much and i'm glad you resonated! it's so beautiful to see that we are not alone in thoughts that feel so lonely.
you can read my "poetry collection" which is under my graduation project at this link: https://www.clippings.me/amalkiswani unfortunately i can't link you to the actual document, you'll have to go in and click it. if you scroll past the essay, you can find the poems. but do read with caution, it needs so much work! though if you do end up reading, do share your thoughts.
related alot with your thoughts here. in which sometimes adulting became unbearable and i feel too tired to even complaining bout it. so i am surrendering and accept the fact that it is what it is. that sometimes others peoples already reaching the finish line meanwhile me still fallin to the ground in the middle to cathin some air for breathin. sometimes i feel that im so low comparing to all that peoples. but through the time i come to accept that i already try as much as i could so if this is the fate that comes to me then i surrender. i surrendered and i took a rest for myself. thank you for your words dear.
hello lovely. your words felt so relatable to me - thank you for leaving them. i said this in another comment but it is just so lovely to see that we are not alone in such lonely thoughts. i like that you used 'surrender' multiple times here; i've actually been journaling and discussing with my therapist how hard it is for me to surrender... but i truly believe that surrendering is the trick to life: letting go and letting be is powerful.
i wish you the best. sending you so so much love, and a virtual hug <3
Oh Amal. Nothing and nobody writes like this. I wish I had something more cerebral to say but instead I am simply undone by your writing (and from my side of the bargain, this is quite okay with me, but you deserve to be heaped with praise---strewn with flowers like a primadonna on stage.) You're just so good. You will see many more things through, and whilst the stakes may continue so scarily high, it'll be worth it. The means of survival will become easier. You'll look back and smile on this horrible period someday, I know, because you got through it and entered into the golden age.
i put this in my bookmarks when i saw the title because i knew i wouldn't be able to handle reading it and i was right. every time i read something by you it feels like looking into a mirror that reveals maybe a little too much. when i was younger, everyone always thought i was being overdramatic about everything and now i can't tell what i'm feeling anymore because i'm so used to every feeling meaning nothing. i try very hard to be the "Politically Correct Mentally Ill person" but it's so hard sometimes and i wish people would forgive me for being mentally ill in the wrong way. your anecdote about your mother almost made me cry because a couple months ago my friend tried to offer me advice and i broke down in front of him because i was tired of always having to be the one to change. my final semester of college, i was in and out of the hospital for two months but still somehow managed to graduate. i called my mother from the hospital and she told me that i'm so strong for graduating in the hospital. i signed a job offer while there, too. at work i think about how desperately i want to publish a collection of poems someday and after work, i spend so much of my time editing and re-editing the poems i've written. i don't really know where this rambling was going but your writing makes me feel less alone in the world. i hope time stops running just for a moment so we can both sit down a little longer.
"because i was tired of always having to be the one to change" struck my heart. it is so exhausting always wanting to be better, but the feelings and emotions incessantly pulling you down. regardless, this is life, and it is truly a feat, wenyi, that you did so much whilst being hospitalized. it seems that you deserve any rest you can get, and i wish you the utmost of peace and success. you're a writer i look up to, and i know from your comments and notes and presence on my feed that you are a special, special person.
being a writer feels like a constant push and pull, and in the end, no one gets it but us. i hope peace and rest for both of us, and strength to get through the harder times <3
i wish you all the best! sending you love always, always
Amal, I don't know how to begin with this. It's 6 in the morning on a weekend and I still haven't gone to bed yet. I can't, actually. My brain is a little too funny and active for my liking, maybe that's what's making me too sensitive reading and writing this. It's not in my nature to be weak when I'd like to praise and compliment, but this couldn't wait until tomorrow. Everything seems a little more awful than it actually is when you're sleep deprived against your will. This one was so raw, so authentic, so straightforward, so real, so humane. You are so humane, Amal. I feel like crying when I say your name after reading this with the ache rotting inside your guts like that. I hope your heart rests. I hope all ours do. Take care of yourself
Roaa it's interesting, I was awake after your comment after a rough day myself, I read it before putting myself to sleep. Your words were like cold water against my burning heart. Thank you so much for reading. I wish peace for both of us. All the best to you <3
The desire to have a physical representation of mental health is really relatable, I used to grapple with this idea of truly letting myself go. Of becoming a black hole equal to the pit I felt inside. But school has always been a way to keep me going, I want to constantly be at school constantly researching, constantly learning. But there’s also the reality of needing a job. It always feels sort of degrading like there’s something better I could be doing with this time but I need to survive. It also doesn’t help that a job zaps up all the energy so it’s not like you can easily read or write unless you’re a superhero
It seems sometimes that the world expects us to be superheroes. We talk the talk about how "it's okay to be okay" but really, in the end, we don't truly hold that perspective enough in our society that it works. We just say things, we don't actually do them. It seems a lot of life at 20-something is this way. I'm hoping to grow out of it, and into comfort and/or peace.
I HAD to read this today. It's scary how much I resonated with it but at the same time, it is very comforting. Thanks so much for sharing your words with us. Sending you love!
Amal, I just want to say thank you. Your words really hit home for me. The title alone really resonated with me as I’ve been dealing with my own depressive episode. It feels like no one really understands how overwhelming it can be to just keep going, especially with all of life’s responsibilities.
You’ve shown so much strength. I hope you can look back and be proud of how far you’ve come. More than that, I hope things get better and that you can start enjoying life for its beauty.❤️
Hello lovely, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am sorry to hear you're struggling as well, but I know (and I'm sure you do too) that life is always refreshing in the ways it surprises us with softness and light. I am wishing the best to you. Sending so much love your way <3
The post-university comedown and shift into working adulthood is rough. Give yourself space to level back out from the intensity of academic life. I bet you’re doing great.
This piece is so perfect! It's equally raw and strong and I have so much admiration for you and your writing. Amal you are so so good at this, I'm so grateful you share your thoughts with us <333
Freya! Always so please to have you here. Thank YOU, as well, for sharing your thoughts with us. I always looking forward to your pieces :) Thank you for reading <3
Your writing tugged at my heart strings. I’m a stranger but I see you. I know your struggles. I feel the intensity of your need for unlimited rest in my bones. They say misery loves company. For what it’s worth, you are not alone. You are understood by many who also bear the weight of this thing called life. I am reading a book called “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. Highly recommend it. It’s exhausting to continually read, process, manage, learn, unlearn just so that we can be “normal”. So whenever you feel like you have the capacity for it, give the book a chance. It brought lightness to me and I hope it does the same for you. Much love and hugs!
I deeply agree, that it's exhausting to have to continually work on oneself to get to a better place, but I suppose this is the way of life and we must endure. It's always worthwhile in the end, the endurance, for life has a tricky way of surprising you with love and softness :-) I am definitely going to add that book to my TBR. I am glad it gave you a light. I hope it does for me, too.
Thank you for reading and commenting. Much love to you <3
Wonderful writing as always. Can I make a suggestion or two? I think your mom is still not doing you any favors in this area. There's a book called "How to Talk so Kids Listen, and How to Listen so Kids talk" The author there points out that a lot of times people respond to other people's anxiety or distress more by trying to make it go away for their own comfort than by acknowledging and validating the feelings of the other person. The message that comes through, though, is still that your pain should be ignored. Your feelings are valid and valuable indications of what's going on in your life now as they always were.
You are talented and important, and you're going through some of the toughest times you'll ever go through personally at one of the toughest times in history to do it. I hope you won't blame yourself for that. At 24 it can seem like you're so old you should have already done the things you thought you should, that you're behind and losing ground, that you can't take time to rest and recover. That's all an illusion, though. You have one moment - the present - but you will have many, many years in front of you, so you can take the time you need, and you can forgive yourself, if you will, for needing that time. You don't always have to be strong, but you do need to endure. And lots of people are on your side.
Please pardon me if I've seemed to presume; it's just that you're one of my favorite writers on here, and I want the best for you.
Hi, Jack! I'm currently parked waiting to see my therapist, and your comment brought me to tears. It was not presumptuous, after all, I bare my heart out on here, so as my reader, you know me better than anyone. Thank you for your words. There is time for so much life, I have to remind myself, and enduring will never be for naught.
I can't believe someone thinks I'm their "favorite writer", truly this Substack and you and others have kept a light inside of me shining. You've reminded me why I write and how much I love to do it. Thank you for reading and for being here. I appreciate you so much. And will definitely be picking up that book! I've had Children of Emotionally Immature Parents on my TBR for a while, too, have you read that one?
So much love to you <3
I haven't read it, but it's on my TBR list, too. I've read some books on adult children of alcoholics which have also been eye-opening. One of the amazing things about reading books like that is that things I thought were so reflective of my own personal shortcomings, were so on me (my "skill issues," my son would say!) are actually typical challenges of people in similar situations, and there are some really good ideas out there about how to make it better. Thanks for your response. You're definitely one of my faves.
I definitely agree that those books offer eye opening discoveries about ourselves. Looking forward to reading them!
girl you're so strong and do you know that your name "Amal" means hope in Arabic. I hope you find a way out of this. Dealing with depression as a young person is a tough journey but I'm just so proud of you for doing your best. Also, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Keep writing. You got this habibi<3.
Hi Maryam! So funny that you caught that, I always say my name is the reason I must remain hopeful: it is a sign, a pre-decided fate. Thank you for your kind words and for reading. All the best to you <3
Such a well written piece, Masha'Allah! I am really sorry that your feelings have always been invalidated with growing up. It's like that with depression unfortunately. You put it so well "I must always have proof of my illness, of my worries, of my setbacks". I don't understand why people can't just accept that some people might be struggling silent battles.
Thank you so much, Leena! I agree, but as a human myself who didn't realize some people I loved were struggling, I can sometimes understand. But it's always best to move with the assumption that everyone is suffering even in the tiniest of ways. What's small to us can be bigger to others, of course. And vice versa.
Much love to you <3
Ya that’s a good point, it’s hard for us to see other people’s struggles as well.
I feel very moved by this. Sending much love ❤️
Thank you so much for reading. Sending you love right back <3
amazing writing! the beginning of the piece in which you spoke about performance really took the thoughts out of my head, i'd been struggling for a way to talk about that topic for a while and you did so perfectly. and the rest of the post was just as good! i was wondering, is your poetry collection available anywhere? i'd love to read it - only if you're comfortable sharing it ofc! and i really hope things begin to get better for you, you're amazing!!
hi liam! thank you so much for reading and leaving me this comment. i appreciate your words so much and i'm glad you resonated! it's so beautiful to see that we are not alone in thoughts that feel so lonely.
you can read my "poetry collection" which is under my graduation project at this link: https://www.clippings.me/amalkiswani unfortunately i can't link you to the actual document, you'll have to go in and click it. if you scroll past the essay, you can find the poems. but do read with caution, it needs so much work! though if you do end up reading, do share your thoughts.
sending you love <3
related alot with your thoughts here. in which sometimes adulting became unbearable and i feel too tired to even complaining bout it. so i am surrendering and accept the fact that it is what it is. that sometimes others peoples already reaching the finish line meanwhile me still fallin to the ground in the middle to cathin some air for breathin. sometimes i feel that im so low comparing to all that peoples. but through the time i come to accept that i already try as much as i could so if this is the fate that comes to me then i surrender. i surrendered and i took a rest for myself. thank you for your words dear.
hello lovely. your words felt so relatable to me - thank you for leaving them. i said this in another comment but it is just so lovely to see that we are not alone in such lonely thoughts. i like that you used 'surrender' multiple times here; i've actually been journaling and discussing with my therapist how hard it is for me to surrender... but i truly believe that surrendering is the trick to life: letting go and letting be is powerful.
i wish you the best. sending you so so much love, and a virtual hug <3
Oh Amal. Nothing and nobody writes like this. I wish I had something more cerebral to say but instead I am simply undone by your writing (and from my side of the bargain, this is quite okay with me, but you deserve to be heaped with praise---strewn with flowers like a primadonna on stage.) You're just so good. You will see many more things through, and whilst the stakes may continue so scarily high, it'll be worth it. The means of survival will become easier. You'll look back and smile on this horrible period someday, I know, because you got through it and entered into the golden age.
You always leave me feeling so soft by your comments. Thank you so much, Alice. Your eyes on my words mean the world to me, always always
I feel so seen, loved loved loved this piece. Just subscribed!
I’m so glad you feel this way, and I’m so happy to have you here! <3 So much love to you.
i put this in my bookmarks when i saw the title because i knew i wouldn't be able to handle reading it and i was right. every time i read something by you it feels like looking into a mirror that reveals maybe a little too much. when i was younger, everyone always thought i was being overdramatic about everything and now i can't tell what i'm feeling anymore because i'm so used to every feeling meaning nothing. i try very hard to be the "Politically Correct Mentally Ill person" but it's so hard sometimes and i wish people would forgive me for being mentally ill in the wrong way. your anecdote about your mother almost made me cry because a couple months ago my friend tried to offer me advice and i broke down in front of him because i was tired of always having to be the one to change. my final semester of college, i was in and out of the hospital for two months but still somehow managed to graduate. i called my mother from the hospital and she told me that i'm so strong for graduating in the hospital. i signed a job offer while there, too. at work i think about how desperately i want to publish a collection of poems someday and after work, i spend so much of my time editing and re-editing the poems i've written. i don't really know where this rambling was going but your writing makes me feel less alone in the world. i hope time stops running just for a moment so we can both sit down a little longer.
"because i was tired of always having to be the one to change" struck my heart. it is so exhausting always wanting to be better, but the feelings and emotions incessantly pulling you down. regardless, this is life, and it is truly a feat, wenyi, that you did so much whilst being hospitalized. it seems that you deserve any rest you can get, and i wish you the utmost of peace and success. you're a writer i look up to, and i know from your comments and notes and presence on my feed that you are a special, special person.
being a writer feels like a constant push and pull, and in the end, no one gets it but us. i hope peace and rest for both of us, and strength to get through the harder times <3
i wish you all the best! sending you love always, always
Amal, I don't know how to begin with this. It's 6 in the morning on a weekend and I still haven't gone to bed yet. I can't, actually. My brain is a little too funny and active for my liking, maybe that's what's making me too sensitive reading and writing this. It's not in my nature to be weak when I'd like to praise and compliment, but this couldn't wait until tomorrow. Everything seems a little more awful than it actually is when you're sleep deprived against your will. This one was so raw, so authentic, so straightforward, so real, so humane. You are so humane, Amal. I feel like crying when I say your name after reading this with the ache rotting inside your guts like that. I hope your heart rests. I hope all ours do. Take care of yourself
Roaa it's interesting, I was awake after your comment after a rough day myself, I read it before putting myself to sleep. Your words were like cold water against my burning heart. Thank you so much for reading. I wish peace for both of us. All the best to you <3
The desire to have a physical representation of mental health is really relatable, I used to grapple with this idea of truly letting myself go. Of becoming a black hole equal to the pit I felt inside. But school has always been a way to keep me going, I want to constantly be at school constantly researching, constantly learning. But there’s also the reality of needing a job. It always feels sort of degrading like there’s something better I could be doing with this time but I need to survive. It also doesn’t help that a job zaps up all the energy so it’s not like you can easily read or write unless you’re a superhero
It seems sometimes that the world expects us to be superheroes. We talk the talk about how "it's okay to be okay" but really, in the end, we don't truly hold that perspective enough in our society that it works. We just say things, we don't actually do them. It seems a lot of life at 20-something is this way. I'm hoping to grow out of it, and into comfort and/or peace.
Thank you for reading. Wish you the best!
I HAD to read this today. It's scary how much I resonated with it but at the same time, it is very comforting. Thanks so much for sharing your words with us. Sending you love!
Sending you love right back! Thank you for reading. I am glad you found it comforting.
Amal, I just want to say thank you. Your words really hit home for me. The title alone really resonated with me as I’ve been dealing with my own depressive episode. It feels like no one really understands how overwhelming it can be to just keep going, especially with all of life’s responsibilities.
You’ve shown so much strength. I hope you can look back and be proud of how far you’ve come. More than that, I hope things get better and that you can start enjoying life for its beauty.❤️
Hello lovely, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am sorry to hear you're struggling as well, but I know (and I'm sure you do too) that life is always refreshing in the ways it surprises us with softness and light. I am wishing the best to you. Sending so much love your way <3
The post-university comedown and shift into working adulthood is rough. Give yourself space to level back out from the intensity of academic life. I bet you’re doing great.
Thank you! I agree, it's a rough transitionary phase that's hard to adjust to. Thank you for your kind words <3
This piece is so perfect! It's equally raw and strong and I have so much admiration for you and your writing. Amal you are so so good at this, I'm so grateful you share your thoughts with us <333
Freya! Always so please to have you here. Thank YOU, as well, for sharing your thoughts with us. I always looking forward to your pieces :) Thank you for reading <3
Your writing tugged at my heart strings. I’m a stranger but I see you. I know your struggles. I feel the intensity of your need for unlimited rest in my bones. They say misery loves company. For what it’s worth, you are not alone. You are understood by many who also bear the weight of this thing called life. I am reading a book called “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. Highly recommend it. It’s exhausting to continually read, process, manage, learn, unlearn just so that we can be “normal”. So whenever you feel like you have the capacity for it, give the book a chance. It brought lightness to me and I hope it does the same for you. Much love and hugs!
I deeply agree, that it's exhausting to have to continually work on oneself to get to a better place, but I suppose this is the way of life and we must endure. It's always worthwhile in the end, the endurance, for life has a tricky way of surprising you with love and softness :-) I am definitely going to add that book to my TBR. I am glad it gave you a light. I hope it does for me, too.
Thank you for reading and commenting. Much love to you <3